I’ve unfortunately been reminiscing again. I know, I know, you’re supposed to forget the past and think about the present and future. But…that’s so very hard to do with a past like mine.
I know people have moved on from being stoned (actual stones not high stoned), being lashed, and far worse things. But I just envy those people, even though I should not even be doing that. What I have gone through is: being physically, emotionally, verbally, spiritually beaten; being taken advantage of in every single possible way (rape, money, small labour etc); I’ve lost and given up friends for terrible reasons, I’ve overcome drinking problems and drug use problems (not hard drugs); I’ve survived numerous suicide attempts; I’ve overcome the need to self-mutilate when I feel down; I’ve lost a helpless child through miscarriage because I didn’t stop hurting myself in time to find out what was going on; I’ve tried finding a father figure that I didn’t need because there were two right in front of me the whole time; I contracted a disease that there is no cure for yet (and put my son at risk of death or brain damage) and don’t know exactly where it’s from; and I turned my life around for the betterment of myself and my beautiful family.
And then to top that all off, after Noah was born I hated myself so much. I hated that I wasn’t there for just lily anymore, I hated that I couldn’t get anything done because of the pain, I hated that I couldn’t bring Noah into the world naturally like his sister. I thought of putting myself out of my misery by taking my life or sometimes even Noah’s life. I would think about how if Noah didn’t wake in the morning it wouldn’t be so bad.
Then one day it dawned on me. Go buy a baby wrap. I now realize that was God telling me to strengthen my bond with him and Noah! I’d be able to get things done and bond with Noah in a different but just as strong way as Lily!
I thank God everyday for helping me out of that rough patch in my life with even such a simple thing. I try to reminisce in a way that makes me thankful for where I am today! And I hope one day my reminiscing will be to help other mothers, daughters, nieces, or anyone with any kind of past or present like mine!