I’ve always had trouble finding a community where I belong. Any friends I really had throughout my school years didn’t last very long. It has just become the usual “we should hang out soon” with no date planned and no follow through.
My shyness has made it even harder to find a group of people I can actually speak to in person. Online has never been a problem with me as there’s no face to face time involved.
Now that my kiddies and my husband are in the picture it just makes it more difficult. I have to find a community that will welcome them as well. No mother wants to have friends that don’t want anything to do with their children, and no wife wants friends who want nothing to do with their husband. My family is what I live for!
But for now I’ll have to continue praying and trying to seek out a community that I belong to. Somewhere I can be myself. Somewhere I can feel comfortable sharing my passions and fears. Somewhere I can completely open and unashamed of myself.
Visit the tomorrow project to see how you can join in on this project!
**stay tuned for an awesome giveaway to celebrate my baby girl’s 3rd bday June 29th!!
Unfortunately after my last blog post all the way back in September I had some harsh criticism about my blogging so I took a VERY long break. Now that I’ve decided I to end that break and continue doing something I love!
Awhile ago I got the privilege of becoming a Knixpert! With this privilege came 3 pairs of Knix Wear panties of my choice and a discount code for anyone I speak to that wants to purchase a pair or more.
These things are amazing! How could you not love panties that are super cute but actually comfortable??
After my c-section last year I had to cut out all of the cute panties that give you that little boost of confidence. I wasn’t too pleased. That’s when I found Knix Wear.
“Every pair of Knix Wear features our Fresh Fix Technology™. A thin yet super absorbent gusset, it wicks away moisture and naturally eliminates odor, keeping you feeling fresh and dry all day long – without the feeling that you’re wearing anything other than your most comfortable pair of undies.” -Knix Wear
That description does not lie! Even their Knixy lace has this smooth feel to it that does not scratch and itch my c-section scar! I can’t help but feel that little boost of confidence again! And I remain feeling clean and comfortable at the same time!
Visit knixwear.com to order a pair and use coupon code Knixpert11 for 10% off!!!
*Image via www.pinterest.com/knixwear
**and keep a lookout for some amazing giveaways coming soon!!
I’ve unfortunately been reminiscing again. I know, I know, you’re supposed to forget the past and think about the present and future. But…that’s so very hard to do with a past like mine.
I know people have moved on from being stoned (actual stones not high stoned), being lashed, and far worse things. But I just envy those people, even though I should not even be doing that. What I have gone through is: being physically, emotionally, verbally, spiritually beaten; being taken advantage of in every single possible way (rape, money, small labour etc); I’ve lost and given up friends for terrible reasons, I’ve overcome drinking problems and drug use problems (not hard drugs); I’ve survived numerous suicide attempts; I’ve overcome the need to self-mutilate when I feel down; I’ve lost a helpless child through miscarriage because I didn’t stop hurting myself in time to find out what was going on; I’ve tried finding a father figure that I didn’t need because there were two right in front of me the whole time; I contracted a disease that there is no cure for yet (and put my son at risk of death or brain damage) and don’t know exactly where it’s from; and I turned my life around for the betterment of myself and my beautiful family.
And then to top that all off, after Noah was born I hated myself so much. I hated that I wasn’t there for just lily anymore, I hated that I couldn’t get anything done because of the pain, I hated that I couldn’t bring Noah into the world naturally like his sister. I thought of putting myself out of my misery by taking my life or sometimes even Noah’s life. I would think about how if Noah didn’t wake in the morning it wouldn’t be so bad.
Then one day it dawned on me. Go buy a baby wrap. I now realize that was God telling me to strengthen my bond with him and Noah! I’d be able to get things done and bond with Noah in a different but just as strong way as Lily!
I thank God everyday for helping me out of that rough patch in my life with even such a simple thing. I try to reminisce in a way that makes me thankful for where I am today! And I hope one day my reminiscing will be to help other mothers, daughters, nieces, or anyone with any kind of past or present like mine!
…Sleep that is. Lily slept 6 hours straight from the beginning! I was always well rested and so proud! She’d have 3 2 hour naps during the day too. I was always told how lucky I was, and I knew it!
12am was always my bedtime. When we got Lily to start sleeping at 8:30 pm instead of going to sleep at the same time with us my bed time remained the same. The little princess would even sleep till 11am or 12pm! Man alive I was blessed with an amazing 1st child!
Through my pregnancy with Noah I got all the sleep I needed and then some! It was perfect, especially while on minor bed rest!
When Noah arrived Lily’s sleep habits stayed just as amazing! Noah would sleep 3 hours on and off till about 4 am then sleep a good 6 hours till 10 am, and 3 hour long naps during the day. I however only slept that 6 hours.
Now that we’re at the whole teething point and the amber teething necklace is not working as well for Noah as Lily I regret that. 2 am till 8 am with 6 feelings in between is not enough sleep for a mom of a toddler and a teething climbing infant!
I had it so good with Lily, and so good with Noah in the beginning, and I wasted it! I am now drained and feeling older than my 23 years young.
It’s not even that I had to get things done. I just sat there cuddling a sleeping baby watching tv when I could have been getting rest so I could give all my energy to activities with my kiddies.
When I get Noah’s bed time back in order there’s no way I’m screwing that up! Sleep will no longer evade me. I will make every second of that beautiful slumber count.
But till then I spend my days half asleep trying to make sense of the smallest things in my haziness.
I know no one knows what children are thinking when they do their day to day things. But honestly I’d give almost all the money in the world to know sometimes! They just do the oddest things! And I’m not talking about infants like Noah because they obviously have too much going on with almost everything being new to them! I mean toddlers… The ones who know so much already.
For instance the other day was just a normal day with my Lily. She was taking forever to eat her breakfast (brunch by that time already) and she told me she was pooping. Didn’t think anything of it because that’s obviously normal and we’re not hardcore potty training just yet. So I tell her “let mommy know when you’re done eating and I’ll change you”. Next thing I know I look over and she’s saying “mommy need my hands cleaned” and she’s got her clothes almost all off (diaper half way on still) and poop all over her legs and hands… FIRST TIME EVER!!
Rush her to the shower and hose her off and she’s crying and saying sorry. I just don’t understand. She knows it’s bad but decided to do it anyway? She even told me it was “yucky”.
I know a lot of toddlers have done that. I know it shouldn’t be too big of a deal to me. But I would just love to get in her mind and see what she was thinking at that moment…”hmmm, I wonder what my poop feels like””I wonder if I can just scrape my poop out of my diaper and be clean”…
Even though it was very unpleasant for me it was great laughing material for the whole family…
Oh the joys of motherhood…
I’ve heard myself saying that phrase a lot lately. “It’s just one of those days, “it’s just one of those weeks”…it’s even come out as “she’s/he’s just having one of those days/weeks/months/years/decades….” I’m over using it!
The truth is it’s just one of those lives. Ups, downs, and in-betweens. There’s just too many excuses in my life. I know my babies are going to have grumpy, happy, sleepy, miserable, and hyper days so it shouldn’t surprise me. It’s a big waste of time making up excuses when I should really just be going with the flow and helping my kiddies get through the day.
I don’t even know where to begin…
I could start with how I’m trying to become a better Christian but can’t really overcome the dislike I have for my appearance or my temper or my habit of cursing…
I could start with my past that no longer haunts me even though it’s filled with so much abuse of every form from junior high till 3 1/2 years ago…
I could start with my past drug use and alcoholism…
I could start with the countless boys that have taken advantage of everything I had because they knew I was just looking for a father figure to replace my insecure relationship with my dad…
I could start with my past of suicide attempts and self-mutilation…
I could start with the loss of a tiny baby that only had a month to develop before he/she went to be with God…
But I choose to start with the gaining of a man who took care of me and changed my life for the better. The man who shares in the blessing of creating 2 beautiful gifts! The man who would give me everything he had and even everything he didn’t have. Even through our ups and downs he can still make me smile. He’ll be with me forever. I’ll be with him forever. No doubts. No regrets. Just love.